Memoirs of a Dragonborn: Skyrim

Get ready for the 'rimming of your life

Having little to no knowledge of the previous Elder Scroll games, to say I didn’t care about this one would be an understatement. Yet here I am…ready to go to bed at 5am having been mesmerised by my housemate playing this game. So here is a spoilerific account from an unwilling spectator.

Before aforementioned housemate getting frustrated and going to bed I witnessed him being ambushed by a badass ‘non-scripted’ frost dragon, but ended up perishing at the paw of a polar bear we hadn’t realised was there until he was dead.

Following numerous reloads where the duo practically raped him before fighting one another, and him running away into the arms of vampires and a different bear…only to retreat into a bandit hideout is probably the best thing I’ve ever seen happen in any game…ever!

All because I was peer pressuring him to become a bard, and his quest led him here. Although its early days and we don’t yet know what this title will yield, I hope it means you can ukulele your way into someones heart…but I doubt it.

A major challenge he faced in his first playthrough before starting over was becoming a vampire. Practically fives minutes into the game he had managed to  unintentionally sabotage himself by getting bitten. Despite my encouragement at how cool this is, he was less than happy.

Partly because in the 3 days and after taunting messages of “You feel weaker as the sun rises.” you will become a full-fledged vampire, you’ll become weaker in sunlight whilst also becoming weaker to fire. You also get a less than warm welcome from the villagers, as the anti-vampire movement is heavy. But hey!…you are strong against ice and immune to illness! Nah, it’s still not worth it. You must visit a god shrine within 3 days in order to reverse these effects…so RUN! Or just create a cure disease potion to remove it and any STD’s you’ve picked up along the way.

You definitely wont sparkle...because you're ugly as fuck.

Visually the game is very breathtaking, with plenty of detail to even the smallest of creatures and enough quests to keep you busy until its sequel is released (disclaimer: I’m being dramatic, this is not true)

But there are many exciting features of this game, one of the best being that you never know what’s going to happen, how the game advances depends on the players choices of action.You can either help and befriend people, or you can kill them or shout in there face. You can tread the beaten path a moralistic hero, or pickpocket every human you come into contact with and have hired assassins pursue you for revenge.

The game is filled with high tension moments that require you to be super sneaky and go undetected, and the music becomes abruptly dramatic if you become outmatched/outnumbered.

There is a mission where the player needs to go to a party undercover….then sneak out and inspect the guarded rooms to gather information. With guards at every corner my housemate had both me and our other housemate wide-eyed and engrossed in the events, like it was a real life or death situation.

My favourite aspect of this game is the usefulness of buckets.

When pickpocketing you need to be unseen, otherwise you risk being fought and killed or being arrested by guards…unless of course there is a bucket lying around…in which case you can manoeuvre it onto the victims head. Then they definitely wont see you steal everything they own.

'What's that!? I can't hear you....there's a bucket on my head."

The options available to you are so vast, you can approach this game seriously, but you can also dick about and use your abilities to create chaos around you for shits and giggles.

My favourite example of this is my new favourite NPC, Sven, a wonderful bard who resembles Thor in both looks and bravery. In the first playthrough I witnessed him at the mercy of the fury spell, making him attack everyone in the cavern which led to his untimely death….then he was resurrected with necromancy to kick up shit again until he was defeated and transformed into a suspicious puddle of goo. In the second playthrough, unlike parallel universe Sven, he can give you quests to fulfil and if you are successful not only will be become recruitable, but he’ll also allow you to fulfil your childhood dream of training to become a bard!

However these are all secondary quests, your main goal is to advance your ‘dragon shouting’ which are various abilities that only you and a few crusty old men know about. You are the chosen one. In various locations in this ridiculously large world map you’ll find ‘dragon words’ which give you various abilities ranging from invincibility to projecting enemies great distances by collecting dragon souls. Yeah, you can’t be a pussy about dragons if you want these awesome abilities….and dragons can appear anywhere at anytime. Hiding in a village wont save you!

Vs Frost Dragon....I like your chances *shifty eyes*

Although I consider it a pussy move, you can use your projecting shout enemies into rivers or over cliffs if things become too overwhelming. You can also knock shit off the tables and throw dogs around if you want to be a dick about it.

Sadly this game doesn’t allow you to use your gifts against children…however everything else is fair game! I witnessed a chicken get shouted into a river….resulting in the surrounding guards losing their shit.

So here it is, it’s a wonderfully exciting game with plenty to keep you busy. I completely love the random events and interactions, the ‘hired bandits’ who abruptly show up from nowhere, the way a Khajiit looks when it talks and the visual of an elk being shouted down a mountain top.

..As the game is still new (officially released yesterday, but housemate scored a day early) there is not a great deal of information on the web yet, but I’ve been promised there is a possibility you can control dragons as well as the option to become a werewolf! So I guess I’ll keep watching!

I’m thinking….Vampire-Werewolf-Dark elf? Is that even possible?

I never tire of the bucket heads:

'Hey, who turned out the lights?'

'Hey, who turned out the lights?'